Review: American Buffalo

VHS cover image courtesy amazon.com

American Buffalo (1996) ** out of 5 asterisks
Director: Michael Corrente
Starring: Dennis Franz, Dustin Hoffman, Sean Nelson 

The tagline for this movie is "They had a plan. It wasn't worth a nickel."

Sadly, I didn't think this movie was even worth a nickel. It's a very slow, dialog-heavy drama that takes forever to lead anywhere, and the ending it finally leads up to -- after a whole lot of yelling between Dennis Franz and Dustin Hoffman -- is pointless and provides no closure for the conflict created in the story. It just sort of ...ends. 

I'll grant that Franz is solid in his role, and so is Sean Nelson (who was a relative newcomer to the movie biz at the time).

But Hoffman plays a character so annoying and without any redeeming qualities that I just wanted Franz to lose it, tell him to shut up and bash him in the head. With all due respect to an Oscar-winning actor like Hoffman, his performance in this is just a little too much and the director should have dialed him down a bit. Furthermore, the movie was shot like the David Mamet stage play it's based on: three characters and one setting. I don't think that translated too well for the big screen -- it felt like I was watching a stage play.

But there are film critics who loved this, including the late Gene Siskel who gave the film "thumbs up" and called the performances "superb." So I suppose if you like dialog-driven dramas and are a fan of Mamet's plays as well as Hoffman's or Franz's acting, it's at least worth watching for the banter between Franz and Hoffman. The dialog is certainly well-scripted, but Hoffman's unlikeable character, the slow pace and lack of a satisfying ending ruined the film experience for me.

Aspiring Actors Are Not Actors

I personally hate the term "aspiring actor." You can be a "beginner," but "aspiring"? No. Either you're an actor or you aren't. My definition of "aspiring actor" is someone with no acting experience who wishes they could be an actor -- that they have hopes and dreams of one day becoming an actor.

If you aspire to be an actor, do something about it: take classes and audition for community theater, local stage productions, student projects and indie films. Churches sometimes have drama teams and perform for services and special events, but if your church doesn't have one, start one. If you're in high school or college, get involved with the drama club, or start one if they don't have one. Famous improv troupes got started because friends got together and put on a show. Heck, get a digital video camera and make your own stuff for YouTube or Vimeo, or get together with friends and make something for fun and put it out there for others to see.

There are actors who are famous who aren't very good actors. So don't allow a lack of confidence or inexperience to prevent you from pursuing opportunities to perform. And don't just sit around wishing you could be an actor. Act on it.

Shop Smart

No sign of Ash inside, unfortunately.

The manager said he'd been fired for making out
with a Deadite in the stockroom.

Apologies to any who haven't seen Army of Darkness and won't get the joke.

And this is actually no joke -- it's a real gas station in Lexington, SC.

Zombify Yourself!

My name is Bond...
Zombie Bond.

So you want to play undead but you're not sure how to go about it? Well, I can help you look like a zombie without the hassle of dying and coming back from the dead.

First off, I am not an expert, and this is merely a guide to create a basic zombie-like look. As a beginner, you will fail attempting to recreate what you've seen on The Walking Dead or pretty much any zombie movie you've ever watched. But as you practice and experiment, you will discover ways to improve your craft. I had a blast creating my own looks for two haunted house gigs between 2009-10. (And may I add that getting paid to scare people is quite possibly one of the best jobs in the world.)

But before we start, I must give a warning:

WARNING: AVOID GETTING LIQUID LATEX IN EYES, NOSE, MOUTH, ON LIPS OR IN YOUR HAIR, EYEBROWS OR FACIAL HAIR.

Ouch.

Trust me on this. Liquid Latex bonds like glue. Furthermore, it contains ammonia so the fumes will irritate your eyes and the odor is unpleasant too. It goes without saying that it's not safe to drink, but I went ahead and said it anyway. And don't get it in your hair. Just don't. You can thank me later.

And with that out of the way, let's discuss the stuff you need to turn yourself into a zombie.

TOOLS:

- Bottle/container of Liquid Latex: purchased at your local costume shop or novelty store. Places like Party City (partycity.com) and Spirit Halloween (spirithalloween.com) have shops all over the U.S.
- Halloween face paint: preferably green, gray, black, white, yellow and red. You can mix black and white to create gray tones, or add black or white to darken/lighten other colors.

Removing liquid latex is like
giving yourself a chemical peel.

- Tissue paper: one-ply, roll or box.
- Make-up sponges and cotton balls / pads / swabs.
- Fake blood: bottle or tubes. (ANOTHER WARNING: the cheap stuff may turn your skin orange or pink as you can see in the photo to the right. So make sure to read the label and seek advice from knowledgeable employees as to which brand works best.)
- Small paper cups: you pour your Liquid Latex and fake blood into these so it's easier to manage and creates less mess.
- Small electric or battery-operated fan: you can use a small desktop type one, but I prefer the hand-held battery-operated kind. This helps the Liquid Latex dry faster.
- Newspaper, old bedsheets or split-open garbage bag: to stand on and cover the sink and floor with. Creating make-up effects can be messy, especially for beginners. Plan ahead and you won't have regrets later.
- Damp paper towels or rags: you'll need to wipe stuff off your hands/fingers during the zombification process. (And if you use a washcloth or towel, make sure it's a rag and not a decorative or good one. Otherwise someone will not be happy with you. You will never be able to use that washcloth or towel again after this, except as rag.)

Now that you have your tools, get your workspace organized and make sure you have a good-sized mirror and appropriate lighting. (YET ANOTHER WARNING: once Liquid Latex dries, it is not easy to remove. If it drips on your bathroom sink or floor or carpet, be prepared to face the wrath of whomever owns said sink, floor or carpet.)

And make sure your face is freshly washed, and shave any areas where you wish to apply Liquid Latex. This includes women. There are tiny hairs all over your face, neck and ears that I promise you will bond with the Liquid Latex. So the less hair you have on the areas where you're applying latex, the less pain you'll experience later when you have to take the stuff off.

I also advise wearing an old tank top or T-shirt with the collar ripped/cut out while you're applying make-up. That way when you're done, you can just put your zombie clothes on over it. Whatever you're wearing is going to get messy if it's anywhere near your face and hands.

Oh, and you'll want to allow at least an hour for this process. You could do a rush job within 30 minutes, but it's not going to look as good because this process requires layers and Liquid Latex needs time to dry. I'm a perfectionist and after spending two seasons working as a zombie performer, I sometimes spend up to 90 minutes to create a look.

Okay, now you're ready to begin.

Prosthetic latex piece added for effect.
Don't try this on your first attempt
as it adds another step to the process
and requires the use of Spirit Gum.

STEP 1
Apply first layer of latex on areas of the face where you wish to create texture. HINT: Do one area at a time, rather than spreading it all over your face with the first layer -- forehead, cheeks, nose, ears, chin, neck. And for the love of Jack Pierce, don't get it too close to your eyes.

STEP 2
As you apply latex, tear off pieces of one-ply tissue paper and place over latex while it is still wet.

STEP 3
Let latex and paper dry, then apply a second layer of latex. (You may want to repeat this process 3-4 times -- even adding more tissue paper -- to create more elaborate effects.)

STEP 4
After layers have dried, use your fingers to pinch, pull and stretch the latex and paper to make cuts and rips.

A darker color was used here
as the foundation because
this character needed to look
like he'd been burned to a cris

STEP 5
Select your make-up colors (and premix them if needed), then apply foundation and colors over latex and skin, making sure to blend the edges of the latex, hairline, eyes, mouth, etc.

STEP 6
Add shading. There's no need try to anything fancy as a beginner -- just take your finger and apply black or dark gray make-up around your eyes so it looks sunken-in and zombified. With practice, you can add a little shading your cheekbones, ears, forehead, and around your nose and mouth to create a look of dimension and dilapidation. But if you're going to be playing zombie in the dark, the additional shading is unnecessary. Also during this process, I may add black color to my eyebrows so they stand out more after this next step.

Juicy!

STEP 7
* Add fake blood. You can use a lot or a little depending on the look you want to create. (The look you see to the right was created solely for shock value.) Applying fake blood with a cotton swab will allow you to dab and dribble blood inside the ripped/torn areas of the textured skin you created. In turn, this will leak and trickle down your face like freshly open wounds. For more dramatic effects, pour fake blood straight from the bottle or small cup, but go slowly and start high on the sides of your face or middle of forehead to create bloody trails on your face. And you can use a cotton swab to "guide" the blood as it trickles down your face.

And viola -- 30 to 90 minutes later -- you're a zombie!

* NOTE: Step 7 is more for those who want to look like someone who has just been murdered by zombies and turned into one. To look like a zombie freshly risen from the grave, you'll want to use a gray-yellow-greenish or pale whitish-gray-yellowish color as the foundation, and blood effects should be simpler and limited to shading, bruising, and stippling (by using a textured sponge or crumpled paper towel). You can also use red and black make-up pencils to create a veiny look. After all, the blood is drained from the body before burial and replaced with embalming fluid, so going overboard on the bloody effects may cause you to look amateurish unless you're going for shock value.

If you want to view this as a step-by-step photo process (which includes the images seen here), please click here for a photo gallery of zombie make-up EFX I created for myself. Many images have a caption explaining how the effects were created.

I want his face... OFF!

As for getting this crap off your face later: lather up with a generous amount of liquid soap to remove make-up, fake blood and loosen the latex. As I mentioned earlier, latex bonds to all those tiny hairs on your face, ears and neck, and it hurts like heckfire to pull the stuff off. So peel off the latex slowly, and keep rubbing in soap and water. Some also recommend just taking a shower to get it all off.

Once you've got the latex off, you'll still need to wash again, especially if your skin has been stained by fake blood. I recommend using a good facial scrub -- the kind with that beady, gritty stuff in it -- to remove any residual crud. And if you do happen to get liquid latex in your hair, I was told by BAFTA-nominated movie make-up effects master Francisco X. Perez that peanut butter works wonders to remove it. For other helpful info, visit LiquidLatex.com.

And here's a hint to help create better textures: after you've removed the latex from your face, save it! Let it dry overnight and it shrinks and bonds tightly -- making it look "aged" and deteriorated. This adds a level of realism and shock value you just can't get from a freshly-created latex look. It also then becomes a prosthetic piece you can reuse repeatedly. In the photo you see to the left, I have reused five individual pieces which, on the second use, bonded to form a mask which I was able to reuse 5-6 more times before it became impractical and nasty.

And above all, have fun with it! Be bold! Experiment! Go crazy! That's how legendary movie industry artists like Rick Baker, Howard Berger, Greg Nicotero, Lon Chaney Sr., Jack Pierce, and Dick Smith got their start. (You can learn more about their work on LISTAL.com.) I also recommend watching the STARZ 2008 documentary, Fantastic Flesh: The Art of Make-up EFX (which for you Netflix subscribers is currently available via Instant Watch).


And here's a video tutorial with a process similar to what I have described here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uz9XStBJ6k

Source credit: The Fayetteville Feed published an article in their September 2010 issue titled "How To Be Undead," which inspired me to share my experience experimenting with make-up effects. The original article (more like a sidebar in the magazine) was an oversimplified 7-step process which I have modified and expanded by adding specific details. So other than the basic 7 steps involved, these words and images are my own.

Safety First

Another entry in my T-Shirt Design Travesties series:

Now, at first glance there's nothing unusual about this one.

...until you notice the ambulance driver.

Your safety at the Tammany Fair is guaranteed,

thanks to the pelicans driving our ambulances.

* Shirt photographed March 2010 by Craig Crumpton at a thrift store in Norcross, GA.

A Life Less Extra-Ordinary

Riddle me this...

Question: Name a job where you can work for 8 hours but never actually do any work?

Okay, besides being a politician, cable installer, or construction worker.

Answer: Background extra.

Twice in the last two months I've worked 8-hour days on TV/film shoots but just sat in extras holding the whole time, never to be called to set.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not complaining. Who wouldn't like getting paid to do nothing?

And both times, I still had a pleasant day getting to make new friends and the meals were good too. So I didn't feel I'd lost anything by being there doing nothing because I still got paid.

But I felt bad for an older gentleman I met on a recent shoot where neither of us were used. It was his first time working as an extra, and he seemed a little bitter that he never made it to set. He said, "I told all my family and friends I was going to be on TV! What am I supposed to say to them now?"

Unfortunately, it happens sometimes. And for anyone interested in working as a background extra, the most important thing to keep in mind (besides always behaving as a professional) is that you should never expect to be on camera. If it happens, great. Call your momma and celebrate. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. I've worked on film shoots that included as many as 300 extras. And in a crowd of 300 extras, do you really think all of them will be seen on camera?

It's called background for a reason. Extras are there simply to provide an element of atmosphere -- a realistic setting for whatever's going on in a scene. Without background, viewers may become aware of how bored they are and realize they are just watching actors blathering at each other. So extras still play a necessary role in production, but on camera they may be out of focus, cropped off at the head or waist, facing away from the camera or merely a silhouette crossing in the distance. And with multiple cameras filming, an extra might be in the frame only for one of them, so there's no guarantee that it will be the shot that the director and editor end up using.

And even if you happen to be close to the cameras while they're rolling, in full focus and everything, you still shouldn't expect to see yourself in the finished product. One of my first experiences working background was on Tyler Perry's The Family That Preys. I was thrilled when I got the call to work on the film because I had heard reports that extras "got good face time" on Tyler Perry's productions. My wife, however, wasn't thrilled about me working on the shoot overnight in downtown Atlanta, but she didn't try to discourage me from something she knew I was really excited about.

The shoot involved a ballroom scene with a few hundred extras, including a full big band orchestra who was hired to not play at all. (Ever try dancing without music or playing an instrument without making noise? Happens on film all the time, and it's a surreal and awkward experience pretending to do so on camera.)

Several times that night I was so close to the camera I could see my reflection on the lens. For one scene, I was placed so close to the principals that I could smell Robin Givens' perfume.

After the film was released, I told lots of family and friends to look for me in the film. And when I finally got a chance to watch it on DVD, I have to say I have never been so excited to see a movie that got mediocre reviews.

So I'm all ready for my big "feature film debut", sitting there on the couch with my wife. And the ballroom scene came and went. It was a lot shorter than I anticipated, and it went by so quick I forgot to really look for myself in the scene. My wife, though, said she didn't see me at all.

So I watched it again.

And...yet again, this time slowing down the frame rate. But I was still nowhere to be seen. By this time, my wife got frustrated with me and went off to play on the internet.

I went through the scene again, frame-by-frame. And finally, I spotted the back of my head in one frame, and my shoulder in another. But it was only because I remembered where I was placed that I knew it was me. My wife didn't believe me at all. "That could be any white guy's head and shoulder," she said frankly.

Which, of course, did nothing to help my ego.

What I discovered, watching the DVD's deleted scenes, was that an entire subplot of the film had been cut, and most of the dialog involving that subplot took place during the ballroom scene.

And that's the way it is for anyone who works background. Heck, even A-List actors' entire scenes have been left on the cutting room floor, so don't think for a moment that your little background contribution might make it in over a cast member's speaking lines. Ultimately, the film is in the hands of the director and the editor, and for an extra it's all in the luck of the edit whether or not you actually appear in the film.

I have since happened to make it on camera occasionally, but that's no longer my motivation for doing background work. I do it for the work and for the experience, and nothing more.

I feel that anyone who enjoys movies and TV shows should work as an extra at least once, just for the experience. My enjoyment comes from being able to see what goes into production. And anyway, it seems wrong to complain about paid work when there are about 15 million unemployed people in America.

And if you get paid to do nothing, accept it and be happy.

Animaniacs Merchandise, Part 2

As promised, here's a follow-up to my previous post showcasing another 5 items from my Animaniacs/Pinky & The Brain merchandise collection:

Item #1 is my most recent addition:
an official Six Flags Wakko Warner ball cap, circa 1997.

Paid $1.71 for it at a thrift store in Winder, GA:

And since I found the Six Flags Pinky hat in October, of course you realize what this means... Now I'll have to track down the others to complete the set. That's what OCD peoples do.

Item #2 is an Animaniacs coffee mug, featuring several
of the series' principal characters:

...Rita & Runt, Buttons & Mindy:

...Pinky & The Brain:

...the Warners -- Yakko, Wakko and Dot, and Slappy Squirrel:

This Warner Bros Studio Store exclusive item is dated 1994,

and my wife found it for $2 at a flea market near Athens, GA.

Item #3 is a decorative piece appropriately-titled "Bad Chemistry"

with P&TB trapped in a lab beaker:

This Warner Bros Studio Store exclusive was manufactured in 1997, and was a gift from my brother Jon (thanks again, Jon!). Designed like a snow globe, the beaker is filled with a water/oil mixture and when you shake it up the water looks like it's boiling. And in a case of art imitating...well, art -- the front even has a visual gag:

- Item #4 is a Pinky & The Brain crystal mug (circa 1999)

-- official Warner Bros Studio Store product

purchased for $6 in 1999 at a WBSS in Memphis, TN:

Buyer's regret: not getting four of these for a complete beverage set.

Item #5 is a Where's Waldo?-type
"Look and Find" (TM) children's book:

This book was published in 1996 through Warner Bros Family Entertainment Reading and Publications International, LTD. It was written by Tom DeMichael, illustrated by the late Jaime Diaz, and the cover was illustrated by Animated Arts.

I should have done a post just on this book, and if it weren't copyright-protected I'd scan the whole thing and post it online for fans who haven't seen it. It's a gem of a collectible. Unlike standard licensed fare for animated properties, those involved in this book seem to have taken great care to make sure it felt like the show too. To write and illustrate a book with details like this has you would simply have to be a fan already. The illustration style is reminiscent of the show's design (especially the DC Comics based on the show), and like the show this book is based on, it's filled with in-jokes, pop culture gags and references to several A!/P&TB episodes.

Just a few examples:

From "Pavlov's Mice":

"Puppet Rulers":

"When Mice Ruled The Earth":

And scattered throughout the book are hidden cameos by politicians (Bill Clinton, George Bush), Looney Tunes characters (Witch Hazel), celebrities (Country stars a-plenty in the "Bubba Bo Bob Brain" double-page spread), and even appearances by Animaniacs characters like The Godpigeon, Buttons, Hip Hippos and of course the Warners (a recurring gag throughout the series is repeated here as well):

And my apologies that I cannot provide better quality images at this time -- print materials don't photograph well with my dated digital camera, and my scanner isn't working.

This book originally retailed for around $10, and I'd recommend it to any fan of the show. You should be able to find a used copy online through amazon.com for around $5 (plus shipping). I found one for $3 at an antique mall in Brasselton, GA back in June 2010. There's also an Animaniacs version which I may cover the next time I feature five more items from my collection.

Thanks for reading!

Destroy All Hogwarts!

Deleted scene from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows -- "Craigzilla attacks Hogwarts":

And here's another deleted scene featuring
my special wand-lighting ability finger

which I stole from E.T.:

* Photos from a September 2010 visit to the Universal Studios Store at the Orlando Airport.

Review: The Cable Guy

The Cable Guy (1996) **1/2
Director: Ben Stiller (Tropic Thunder, Zoolander, Reality Bites)
Starring: Jim Carrey, Matthew Broderick

I was disappointed by this movie, but to be fair I went expecting to see Jim Carrey's over-the-top comedy shtick that made him famous in Dumb and Dumber, The Mask, and Ace Ventura. And if that's what you're expecting too, you'll be sorely disappointed. This is a dark, cerebral comedy/drama and Carrey plays a complex, dark character, and although I didn't care for the film overall I thought his performance was intriguing.

The film also offers an underlying satire of America's obsession with television and news media. But if you don't care for the dark comedy and social commentary and just want to see Jim Carrey for his comic brilliance, there are a few funny scenes that I feel at least make it worth a rental: the basketball game, The Medieval Times restaurant (Star Trek spoof), and the Carrey-oke version of Jefferson Airplane's "Somebody To Love" (which is an amazing impression and performance). Also, the running gag involving the spoof of the Menendez Bros' trial are amusing although since rather dated. But even suggesting it as a rental, I can only recommend this one to fans of Jim Carrey, Matthew Broderick and Jack Black because they'll be more tolerant of a bad movie because these guys are in it. So if it starts boring you or you simply don't like it, just skip to the few funny scenes.

Additional thoughts:

I originally published this review on a movie fan forum back in the late 90s which explains why I reference having actually watched the film at the movie theater. (If memory serves, I was the only one in the theater for a matinee show.) It was considered a box office bomb and was despised by critics, and Jim Carrey took a lot of flak for being grossly overpaid for his role ($20 mil!). A lot of Jim Carrey fans, besides myself, were also disappointed by this. The trailers were even misleading because they played up the film's comedic scenes, but as I stated above this is a dark comedy-driven drama. And it's only because I find Jim Carrey a fascinating performer that I even bothered to watch it.

Review: Open Water

Open Water (2003) ****
Director/Writer: Chris Kentis (Grind, and another feature in post-prod scheduled for a 2011 release)
Starring: Blanchard Ryan, Daniel Travis

Surprisingly entertaining indie thriller. Although we're not given much reason to care about the characters before they are accidentally abandoned in the ocean, this film offers a palpable sense of despair, hopelessness and fear the couple endure afterwards. The cinematography genuinely captures the feeling of what it would be like to be left behind in "open water." And the fact that the actors are actually in the ocean with real sharks swimming around them elevates the suspense to nail-biting status. For DVD viewers, after the film I recommend watching the production featurette -- the actors aren't just "acting" but reacting to real sharks swimming around them in the ocean. That kind of realism gives the movie a tangible sense of terror that other shark movies simply don't have.

Review: Into The Wild

Into The Wild (2007) ***1/2 out of 5 asterisks
Director: Sean Penn (The Pledge, The Crossing Guard)
Starring: Emile Hirsch, Marcia Gay Harden, William Hurt, Hal Holbrook

This twice Oscar-nominated indie film is a slow but interesting true-life adventure-drama with great performances. And I would rate it higher if it weren't for excess: excessive scenic footage, excessive use of slo-mo, and excessive montage Eddie Vedder-accompanied music videos. But the performances really shine, so if you don't mind a slow but inspiring drama it's worth watching.

Review: Flight of Fury

Flight of Fury (2007) ...can't even give this one a half-asterisk
Director: Michael Keusch (responsible for a lot of German TV movies I don't recognize and can't spell)
Starring: Steven Seagal (also credited with screenplay, which explains a LOT)

While watching attempting to tolerate this film, I had a sneaking suspicion that Seagal left all the work to his stunt and photo doubles. And I'd be willing to bet Seagal's stand-in could have given a better performance. Seagal's stunt double sees more screen time than he does, and there's not even that many stunts! And even when Seagal actually appears his performance is totally "phoned in." The movie itself is predictable, nonsensical, and full of crappy acting and poor special effects. In other words: a big, stinking waste of time.

War is not funny

Another entry for T-Shirt Design Travesties:

  

Even Dick Cheney did not approve of this message.

A little history behind this: Back in 2006 when I was managing a religious bookstore, I discovered about a dozen of these shirts in a vendor shipment of random deep discount apparel. When I called the corporate office about it, they explained it was part of a huge bulk clearance deal on unsold inventory the company had purchased, and they emphasized that they had not ordered that specific shirt. After my call, the corporate office promptly instructed their stores to dispose of them, for obvious reasons.

Putting "Give War A Chance" on a T-shirt isn't just a design travesty, it's a design tragedy. I'm familiar with dark comedy, but this really goes far beyond being in poor taste. It blew my mind that any sane person might think the slogan was a good idea, or worse yet that they'd find it amusing or funny. Imagine my surprise when I discovered you can purchase bumper stickers and shirts with this slogan all over the internet. I guess stupidity really does have no limits.

It's worth noting there's a website listed on the shirt just below the slogan, but the text is too small to see in this image and I don't remember now what it was. I have a strong feeling, though, that it no longer exists.

Review: Last Action Hero

Last Action Hero (1993) ***
Director: John McTiernan (Predator, Die Hard, The Hunt for Red October)
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, F. Murray Abraham, Austin O'Brien

Every now and then a movie comes along that critics love to hate, comedians love to make fun of, and then everyone else jumps on the bandwagon -- most of them never even having seen the movie and yet they still criticize and mock it. This is one of those movies. (The flak this movie has taken for being awesomely bad is legendary.) But I decided to buck the trend and actually watch it. I expected it to suck, so when I realized immediately that it was an action movie spoof, it became a lot more entertaining. In this film, life goes beyond imitating art to outright mocking it with Ah-nold spoofing himself and the movie genre that made him famous. Most Hollywood actors take their work far too seriously to be involved in a satire like this. I, for one, am glad Ah-nold accepted the challenge. Granted, it's cheesy and campy, but that's what it's meant to be. It shouldn't be taken seriously. Give this one a chance -- it's really not half as horrible as it's made out to be.

Review: Welcome to Mooseport

Welcome to Mooseport (2004) ** out of 5 asterisks
Director: Donald Petrie (Grumpy Old Men, Miss Congeniality)
Starring: Ray Romano, Gene Hackman, Maura Tierney

I really wanted to like this movie. It had some good things going for it, like having a comedy-savvy director and a cast known for comedic roles. But either something went wrong during production or maybe it was just a bad script to begin with. This film is simply not believable -- it's contrived and dull. It's described as a comedy, and there are indeed some comedic moments thanks to the cast performances. But most of the movie you feel like you're waiting for a punchline that never gets delivered. My advice: skip this one and watch fan-favorite episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond or NewsRadio (starring Romano and Tierney, respectively), or some of Hackman's better comedic performances in Heartbreakers and The Birdcage.

Netflix Is a Naughty Word

Here's a fun little exercise for you Netflix subscribers out there -- a guaranteed laugh, and I believe I am the first person on the web to discover this:

Step 1. Login to your Netflix account.

2. Click "Movies You'll Love."

3. Click "Your Reviews."

4. Next to your profile image where it says "Enter a brief bio here" click "Edit."

5. Type "Netflix."

6. Click the "Save" button and discover the instant hilarity at the pop-up message that follows.

Update: 11.30.2010, 6:45 am -- Thanks to HackingNetflix.com for featuring this post on the frontpage of their site. I'm honored.

Review: Beast Machines - Transformers: The Complete Series

The new series Transformers Prime officially premiered on The Hub (formerly Discovery Kids) in November 2010, and advance hype for the series used such buzzwords as "groundbreaking," "cutting edge," and "epic." Hasbro also described the show as an "intense... drama" with "heavy metal action" and "nail-biting suspense." Time will tell whether the series genuinely delivers such a big bag of promises, but I'll grant it's been entertaining so far. I'll review the 5-part mini-series event once the other three episodes have aired.

In the meantime, I thought I'd take a look back at an earlier Transformers' series which delivered all of the above in what I believe to be the most unique series in TF history since the original "Generation 1" (or "G1", as the fans call it) animated series first premiered back in 1984: Beast Machines, the continuation of the fan-favorite Beast Wars saga which helped to revive the Transformers franchise in the 90s.

This is one of my capsule reviews I pulled from Netflix after they dumped their community features. I might expand this review later with individual episode reviews, but the following is an opinion I find myself repeating often on Transformers fan forums -- trying to persuade both passive and devoted G1 fans to at least give the series a try. So many fans have dismissed it and even criticize it openly without having watched it, and some outright refuse to watch it which I find a little ridiculous. Like the saying goes, "Don't knock it until you've tried it."

Beast Machines - Transformers: The Complete Series (1999) **** out of 5 asterisks
Produced by Hasbro/YTV/Mainframe Entertainment
Voice Cast: Garry Chalk, David Kaye, Scott McNeil, Ian James Corlett, Venus Terzo

You'll find mixed opinions on this series among Transformers fans, and unfortunately they tend to be largely negative. But as both a Transformers fan and long-time animation critic, I believe this series to be a shining example of great storytelling and characterization, and also possibly the darkest cartoon series ever produced for kids. It was, in fact, the most adult show I've ever seen made for kids as it included rich character development, philosophical themes, an overall dark tone, and it's an all-around high-quality production in terms of the voice cast, writing, and animation.

While there were elements of the show I didn't care for -- like the annoyance of Nightscream (TF's first emo character), a transforming flower (I'm not kidding!), and an ending that left my inner child dissatisfied and disappointed -- this series still captured my attention and kept me in eager anticipation all the way to the end. If you're a hardcore Transformers fan (aka "G1-er") AND you're a nitpicker, you probably won't like it. But I believe if you watch it as I did with an open mind as a stand-alone series, you'll find it epically entertaining. And even a decade later the CG animation still holds up too.

I've read many fan opinions on Beast Machines, and the other most common complaint (besides something in Cybertron's past that, to reveal it here, would spoil a major plot point for those who haven't seen the series) is that fans felt betrayed and confused that just within the first few minutes of its premiere Beast Machines changed... nay, challenged, revolutionized and even shattered EVERYTHING fans loved about Beast Wars. After all, the show's epic third season was incredible and a very tough act to follow.

And initially I dismissed Beast Machines for the very same reasons.

But then years later I found the DVD box set pre-owned for $12. Even though I didn't like what I'd seen of the show, it was too good of a deal to pass up. So I decided to give the series another chance, and this time try to view it objectively as if it were some sort of "Elseworlds" alternate-universe story that was connected to Transformers by name only.

And I was pleasantly surprised to find that -- despite its flaws and my fanboy tendency to nitpick -- it was really entertaining. I hope that other Transformers fans do too. If you can look beyond what fans have long perceived to be the series' core continuity problems, inconsistencies and character flaws, you might just be able to see the series for its compelling storyline, deep character development and overall entertainment value.

Review: It Runs In The Family

It Runs In The Family (2003) ***1/2 out of 5 asterisks
Director: Fred Schepisi (I.Q., Roxanne)
Starring: Kirk Douglas, Michael Douglas

There's not much "plot" to this movie and it moves along at a snail's pace; however, it's a nice slice-of-life drama about how a family copes with tragedy and does so in a realistic, familiar way. It also has three generations of the Douglas family in it -- Kirk and his ex-wife (Diana), son (Michael), and grandson (Cameron) -- and the reality of their relationships is portrayed beautifully on screen. And Kirk Douglas' performance is outstanding. Recommended if you enjoy character-driven dramas.

Review: Stir of Echoes: The Homecoming

Stir of Echoes: The Homecoming (2007) * out of 5 asterisks
Director/Writer: Ernie Barbarash (his other directorial credits aren't worth mentioning)
Starring: Rob Lowe (and some fairly unknown supporting cast not worth mentioning)

Bleah. Yuck, even. This follow-up to the 1999 horror/thriller starring Kevin Bacon is a waste of film. Even the "star power" of Rob Lowe can't redeem this low-budget, sub-par thriller... and it's a stretch to even call it a "thriller." It's like they intentionally ignored and gutted everything that made the original film entertaining just so they could make this piece of blatant anti-war propaganda.

To the moon, Alice...

 Another entry in my T-Shirt Design Travesties series,

only this one isn't so much a "travesty"

as it is unintentionally amusing:

Surprisingly, only a few parents were reluctant to send their kids 

to outer space for the class field trip.

Shirt photographed Jan. 2010 at a thrift store in Duluth, GA.